


It all starts and ends with a journal

by Prongsfoot_cassidy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Albus Dumbledore, Badass Harry Potter, Emotionless Harry Potter, Good Dark Side, Hogwarts Fifth Year, Potions, bad light side, poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:41:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29643852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prongsfoot_cassidy/pseuds/Prongsfoot_cassidy
Summary: Snape finds Harry’s journal after Harry left it in potions class. Snape gets a new insight on what’s in Harry’s mind. But he definitely didn’t expect this.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	It all starts and ends with a journal

Severus was not in a good mood, after 5 classes of dunderheads. He is at his last class.

good lord, 5th year potions with the slytherins and gryffindors.

It was only the second month of school and the potions master was ready to murder potter.

usually when snape presses the boys buttons he gets a reaction.

but not this year, it’s like the boy has lost himself.

Looking at his potions Professor with an empty look in his eyes. His usually bright green eyes, that always shine with a certain emotion that Severus wanted to get rid of. But now that it’s gone he’s not so sure he likes it. The boy had a look in his eyes, a look that he had never seen in Lily’s eyes. A look that Probably no one will ever have in their eyes.   
  


The potions master gets up from his seat at his desk, looks at the clock and signs. It’s time for class.

as he walk to the door, he hears the low voices of his students. But not potters, never potters.   
  
Severus open the door with a dramatic look in his eyes 

“we’ll get in you fools!” He hissed.

The leaches run to their spots. Sitting the students await instructions.

“Today we will be making a very complicated potion, if you are not delicate with the stirring it will most likely blow up in your face. And I am no healer” Snape looked at the faces of the panicked gryffindors (all except potter) and smirked.

”Steps are on the board, copy it down and get to work!”

The class passes by uneventful, until Potter and Longbottom blow up their cauldron.   
  


The potion master glided over there to yell at them for it, ignoring the fact that he saw Draco put a leaf that should definitely not go in this potions in the boys cauldron.

  
“ potter! Longbottom! Are you both really so incompetent that you cannot read a couple of words from a blackboard?!”   
  


Neville was trembling in terror, but Harry wasn’t even looking at his professor. Opting to wiping the potion of his face with a handkerchief.   
  


“ Though I can’t say I’m surprised! You are your fathers son after all aren’t you Potter!” He sneered.

”your father never put effort into anything did he?” He was going to continue when an annoying voice cut in.

”Professor! It’s not Harry’s or nevilles fault! It was Malfoy! He put something in their cauldron.” Hermione granger begged.

”I wasn’t talking to you! Miss granger I suggest you shut your know-it-all mouth!” Snape yelled, ignoring the flinch from half the class. And potters emotionless eyes boring into his head.   
  


“30 points from gryffindor!”   
  


“and you two” he turned back to the boys “ 20 points each and detention with filch tonight !”

” I have detention with professor umbridge tonight, sir”

Harry soft voice, brought anger to his heart.   
“ I will speak with her, Class dismissed! Get out!”

All the student pack their stuff and run out the door.

Snape sits at his desk sheathing in anger. When he sees the green leather bound journal on the ground. He stands up and bends to pick it up, but the second his fingers touch it. He pulls them back with a hiss. The book had burned him!

It must be some sort of protection, he thinks.

With a wave of his wand he gets rid of them.

He picks up the journal and retired back to his desk.   
  


On the right bottom corner there were letters imprinted in gold.

_H.j.p_

Potter! He thought with a scowl.   
  
Snape opened the journal with a smirk, at the idea of knowing the boys secrets.

The first page...

_my therapist told me that I should get a journal and write what I feel, think etc. Because it could help me cope.  
_

_So that’s what I plan on doing with this book. It’s very stupid and will probably not help, but I trust her so I will listen._

_I hope this helps. I really don’t know what you’ll find in here, and I don’t know why I’m writing in this like I’m talking to a person.  
  
_

_~H.p_

Well that was not what I was expecting. The boy has got a therapist?

Merlin, he thought, what did the dark lord do to him during the third task?

Turning the page he prepared himself for whatever he would read next.   
  


Surprisingly it was a poem.

_Black. The colour of darkness._ _Although black is not actually a colour, as it is the absence of colour itself.  
But that’s what makes it so beautiful. It is alone and thus completely devoid of any meaning. It is nothing. Yet it does have a meaning. Many people see it as something scary or something to shy away from. Black is often associated with death and cruelty. Pain and violence. (I don’t see that cause when I’m in pain I usually see red.) But there are a select few people in this world that are able to see just how beautiful black really is. See how although it may hold pain and darkness, it also holds power and grace. Black is the colour of acceptance and freedom. The colour of courage and survival. But few are fortunate to see this. To see black. _

_And some people are unfortunate to see the colour black, as they close their eyes forever and stare into a mysterious never ending voice of darkness.  
_

_~H.p_

Severus let go a breath he was holding in. Something about this poem opened something inside of him. Some sad, angry feeling. One he had locked up forever.   
  


Taking another breath, he reads the next page.   
  


_Strange, isn’t it?  
_

_you know yourself better than anyone in the whole world,_

_yet you break at the words of someone who hasn’t loved your life for a second._

_The world is filled with people who think they know you.  
_

_listen to no ones voice but yours,_

_no ones guy but yours,_

_only you know you._

_~H.p_

  
What one earth is this boy talking about? Thought the potions master. While scowling at the stupid, cheesy words in the paper.   
  
Pretending he wasn’t thinking about how he would have needed to read this as a teen. Then maybe he wouldn’t be in this situation.

But his thoughts were interrupted. By a smudge on the corner of the paper, it was red. Leaning closer he smelled it to see if it was ketchup. But an irony smell caught his hooked nose.

One he knew from his days as a death eater (days that aren’t quite done).

It was blood, why would potter have blood on a piece Of paper?

As to not think of it he turns the page.

  
_Snakes. Snakes are a great fear for some. Silent and dangerous. Sly and menacing. Dark and poisonous. But snakes do not see themselves as such. They see their sharp fangs as tools to survive. Their dark colour as a way to hide. Their venom as a poison of life rather than one of death. And while snakes might be dark themselves, they need light to live. The warmth of the sun fuels their body and gives them life. Their cold blood devours the heat from the golden rays. Their darkness yearns for the light. They need it, they love it. After all, all snakes slither towards heat._

_  
I read this to my pet snakes, Neo and frost. They approve of it, though frost did say that I was the sun for her, and Neo agreed. It made me cry, them saying that they take their warmth from me and will protect it. Well me, not it._

_~H.p_

  
  
The potions master smiles at the small wholesome paragraph at the end. But wipes it off his face in horror of the warmth in his chest.   
  


Right in that moment his minds decided to think that Harry could be his warmth too. Just as lily was his before.

Snape shakes his head and continues reading.

  
On this page there was not as much as the others. But the thing he did notice first was the drops of blood splattered on the pages like tears. Tears that would fall while writing something particular hard and painful.   
  
  


_As the joker once said,_

_“Smile, because it confuses people. Smile , because it’s easier than explaining what’s killing you inside.”_

_  
Sorry I don’t have enough energy to write more._

_~H.p_

Curse this boy for making him care!   
  


Something about Harry’s soft messy hair, tan Carmel skin, and usually bright, happy green eyes made him feel.

A protective feeling came over him and he wanted to take the boy under his wing and keep him safe.

and it scared him.

so he started hurting the boy, pushing him away before he could even start caring. 

At first it was hard, those green eyes looking at him with confusion, pain and betrayal. No doubt wondering what he did wrong.   
  


Severus snape was a coward, he ignored his gut back in Harry’s first year in fear of what would happen. And he’s doing it now ignoring the feelings by reading the next page.

_”Shh, it’s alright” the villain said “you’re doing beautifully and I’m so proud of you. But that’s enough now. It was cruel of them to make you fight me- you never could have won. It’s not your fault”_

_  
The ancient and powerful villain may have had a calm and gentle face as he spoke but he was furious. Not at the hero, but at the gods for continually sending kids and teenagers to fight their battles._

_Voldemort send me that in a dream last night, well he sent me the first part. The second one was more of a feeling.  
  
_

_I think he pity’s me_

_~H.P_

Seveus was surprised the child had gotten a vision from the dark lord and didn’t told dumbledore?

Well he wouldn’t have either, not if dumbledore was the “gods” the child was talking about in his story.

Feeling older then he should he flipped the page.

_They told me I was mature for my age._

_What they didn’t know was that my childhood was stolen_

_stolen by the yelling, things breaking, the hits, and the tears that flowed until I felt nothing_

_i was forced to grow up_

_i didn’t chose to be this way.  
  
_

_~H.p_

Severus was starting to think Potters home life wasn’t all to good. Not if the blood on the pages had anything to say.

_Do you remember when you were a child and you thought that when you became a teenager when you became older, you would party every night until 4 am?_

_it’s quite ironic, because little did you know that at 4 am you’d be hysterically crying debating whether to take your life or not.  
  
_

_~H.p_

Melins beard this kid was going to give him a heart attack.

But again Snape was a coward, so instead of thinking he read the next. This one was by far the shortest,

_Monsters are real, ghost are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win._

_  
~H.p_

The next page said...

_I don’t remember falling in love with you._

_I just remember holding your hand and realizing how much it was going to hurt when I would have to let go.  
_

_~H.p_

This one, thank god, didn’t have blood stains on it. But it did have tear stains on it. 

Which for some reason made him feel worse. So he read the last page, Well last page till the boy writes more.

  
_I was in the garden today, when I saw a snake that I met when I was younger. We talked for a bit, before she had to leave because she has little hatchlings now. I’m going to assume that means children. But before she left she turned around and said to me “ I still remember you as a child overwatering plants because you didn’t know when to stop giving.”_

_then she left._

_I don’t know how to feel about what she said._

_~H.p_

And just when he thought it was done he caught sight of writing on the next page. And with a heavy heart he read the next entry. Hopefully the last

_What is human existence? It turns out it’s pretty simple: We are dead stars, looking back up at the sky.  
  
_

_~ H.p_

  
And with that the journal was done. He didn’t expect to learn this when he went snooping in this book for blackmail.   
  
Severus couldn’t see how he had let his hatred of the boys father get this far.

Severus didn’t know what to do with the information, so he did nothing. He didn’t know what to do, so he ran.

Calling a house elf and telling it to put this book in Harry potters dorm, he went to bed. Desperate to not think about the leather book.


End file.
